So I told my family that for some time now I feel as though I could just walk off the face of the earth. However, because the earth has no edge, we all know that won't happen. They both stopped short and said that was pretty harsh. I guess it is. I don't feel as it's that bad. I don't feel as though I am worth much to the people around me. I hurt most of the time. I am thankful for my SCS however, only because on days like today, where it is raining and freezing, I am hurting even more than normal, and I have my SCS turned up ALL the way. Relief is there, but the pain still pushes through.

I am afraid to tell my doctor and the rep for Advance Bionics that the SCS only helps so much, and I still experience so much pain. I am afraid only because I don't want to be a disappointment in that the SCS didn't completely help me.

I also think my RSD might be spreading. I am having minor twinges of pain come from my left knee. Why? What is that about? How come I have to hurt. I am glad for the SCS at this point because it already hits my left side as well as right side. Sometimes, though, the pain will shoot through. I am also having problems with my left hip again too. Initially this happened when my lead had moved and was pushing into a muscle. I know my lead hasn't moved, I have been too good. This time I think because of the initial pain to that area that it will now set off whenever it wants to. It all falls under "THE INJURY THAT NEVER HEALS" - Apparently this is my life.

That is another thing: Is this my life? Is this me for forever now? Do I have to contend with the fact that my life has turned into what I am now, an invalid mother and wife? I have this for forever?? REALLY?? It really won't just go away? Please just make it go away. I want to hike again. But I want to do it without pain, or without pain that shows up following the hike. Cause that happens too. I can do a little bit, like take the boy to the store. I will feel ok, but then later on I am in bed with SCS on high and crying because it doesn't cover all the pain I am in from "overexerting" myself during the day. PH.

I have an appointment on the 25th with my Pain Management doctor and the Advanced Bionics Rep. I will have to tell them that I still spend more days/time in bed than I do up and moving around. Then on the 29th I have a doctor appointment with my General Practice doctor. He will be putting another cortisone shot into my right hip. It gave me a day or two of relief from the pain in my hip. I wish I could get them more often. Then I have an appointment on the 4th with a psychologist. I get to tell him that I am still mentally down, but, not as much as I used to be, thank goodness. I need to make an appointment with a new therapist as my old one has left the location I go to for treatment. I am glad at this point that I don't work, I would have to take too many days off for all my appointments.

Also, I am completely butt hurt at the fact that I am not able to be the Auntie that I want to be. The kids took that from me by moving up there. It has been 15 days and I still haven't even seen a picture of him. I want to dote on him and I want to spoil him and I can't afford all the postage to do that when they live up North. I definitely cannot afford to go up and see him. I was informed that they are finally sending a CD down to me. They got a video of the whole birth. I really don't want to see her private parts, blech. If it is the video, then I will use my computer to fast forward through the private parts and go directly to the baby. Then I will freeze the picture and print it out for my wallet and everyone else's wallet. I also got a picture frame from Michael's that I am going to burn. I will put his name and birthdate and weight on it - then I will put his picture in it. That will be cool.